I Wander, And Sometimes I Get Lost

This journey of self exploration, self discovery, life sure has twists and tuns that one could never have predicted.  As the end of another year is coming to a close, I think it's natural we all reflect and look forward.  Taking a moment on my path to look back I can see my beautiful mess for what it is.  Simply it is the journey that has brought me here. I am not where I know I am meant to be but I am grateful everyday for the opportunity to to get there and to grow.  To become the person I know I am capable of being.  I am better than I was yesterday, and every day I can see when I look back at that mess.

 Looking forward, there fog.  It's not clear, but as I grow more and more I know that's OK.  I don't have all the answers nor do I need them right now.  They will come when I am ready for them.  The new year carries with it promise of renewal, resolve to change this or that in ones life.  Many (and I have been one on many a new year in the past) claiming "this will be my year".  But, year of what?  And looking at those years now come and gone, they were all mine.  In all of those years I grew.  Most of those years the growth came from unpleasant circumstances.  But growth nonetheless.  So this new year I will not declare, I will not resolve a thing other than to keep moving forward, to keep wandering, to continue to meander down paths that have no trail yet laid.  To dive into uncharted waters to see if I can find more of myself.  This is after all my journey of just that, finding myself more and more every day.  Sometimes, many more times than I would like to admit, that means putting on a smile and enduring hell inside while I figure out where my next footfall should be. Sometimes it means staying completely still and just breathing.  Sometimes it means closing my eyes and quietly reminding myself that what is meant to be WILL ABSOLUTELY come to fruition, and I cannot nor should I attempt to control things that the universe is handling and absolutely has my back on.  Sometimes it means crying, allowing the pain and fear to come out in waves only to cleanse the place I am standing to make things clear again before moving forward.

So here I stand.  In the only moment that really exists, the here and now.  The beautiful mess in my wake and the future at my feet.  Thank you 2015 for all that you contained.  All the growth and pain and tears and fear and hope and smiles.  Thank you for all that's been lost, found and everything else in between.  I will raise my glass on New Year's Eve and toast to you.

 

Turn Your Face To The Sun  Maithri Goonetilleke
	Beloved, There are days when nothing seems right. When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken. When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly. When comforts are empty. And the world is noise. On those jagged edged days, when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands. And you find yourself all alone. Turn your face to the sun. There is goodness in the world, that even the river of tears cannot erase. There is love in the world, that the numbed armies of fear can not destroy. Sometimes that goodness is everywhere apparent. It pours from the heart of every moment. From the light of every smile. On those soft days, love hides in the eaves to drop like sweet honey on your forehead and sings her lilting lullabies in the arms of the winds. But on some days, Beloved. On days like today.... We need to look, to see. So turn your face to the sun. Even when she is nowhere to be seen. Go inside yourself. Find a speck, a splinter of beauty to be grateful for. 'Yes', the day has worn you. And 'Yes' our mistakes have been so many. But say 'Thank you' anyway. Take account of all that is in your possession. A mind. A heart. A body. A life that breathes, even if for just one more day. Now count the eyes that have smiled at you on your wild journey, the hands that have held you tenderly, the ears that have listened, the prayers that have been made on your behalf. And whisper your 'Thank you' again. Count the sky that has watched you grow with His painted eyes, The heaving waves that find their echo in the tides of your breathing, The little birds that have sung you their songs, The stars which have been a lamp to your path, and are your rightful inheritance. Count unexpected laughter, Count undeserved grace, Count Passion and Love making and Dreams yet to be born, And bow your head and say 'thank you', Now count the lives who still need your light, The hungry, the sick, the helpless, Count the children who will die today and imagine if with the breath of your body you could help just one. Turn your face to the sun, And know yourself as a child of the light. You are the Goodness that cannot be extinguished, The love that burns through the darkest night. And perhaps, In turning You will see what i have seen, that this day where everything seemed wrong, was not your curse, It was your gift, Your chance... To find inside yourself a forgotten 'thank you', To smile in the face of the grim suppressors, To stand in the heart of the glowering darkness and turn your face to the sun.

Here I am Still

Life is beautiful.  I maintain that.  I am a music maker, I am a dreamer of dreams, I still believe.  I believe in the beauty in the mess, the frustration and the quickness in which it passes not giving me a chance to grab the precious moments even for another second.  I believe in the sadness, the tears and the anger.  The would be failures or the lack of progress and the unexpected surprises.  My years have filled with all these things.  I have been reflective lately, more so than other times maybe because, well, just because.  I don't need a reason. 

I feel at a stand still in this moment. In this season of my life. At a stand still, however feeling like time, oh so precious moments are slipping through my fingers.  I don't want that. I have many-a-time declared a "fresh start" or "a new beginning" with much resolve, meaning it every time.  Or perhaps I meant it to the extent that I hoped with all my might that "this is really it, this is when my life takes that turn or begins truly".  The problem I have is, let's just be honest, I don't do.  Change requires action.  Discovery requires exploration.  I've stood still.  I've waited for things to happen to me (they don't, well not like one would hope).  So I am standing still.  I am ok with that, as long as I shift my focus, my thoughts.  I no longer wish to be consumed with thoughts of "getting through the day".  I once had a nurse I worked with overhear someone say that she wished it was the end of her shift, the nurse responded "stop wishing your life away".  That has always stuck with me.

I look at my kids, now 11 and 8, and think of how much time I've wasted just letting things happen.  How many moments I've stepped on allowing my frustration to get the better of me.  Just waiting for the day to end or for it to be bedtime.  It makes me cry.  I've cheated them.  I've cheated myself.  So seldom do I allow the moment to just be what it is and revel in its beauty, its mess, its whateverness.  I'm not perfect, nor do I really strive to be.  But I am reaching for better.  Reaching, requires action on my part.  Requires effort and do, not just hope.  My kids deserve that.  I deserve that.  As I sit 17 weeks along with our third child, life deserves a looking at.  A stern talking to in my direction.  A what's what.  And it is.  So much it is.

And though my tendency is to write and ramble on I fear my thoughts will get muddled.  And if this is nothing else I would at least like to look back at my thoughts and my progression in life and have it make some sense.  So here I am.  Standing still, taking it in, assessing, slowing down so that I might touch the moments for just a bit longer.  So that my kids remember them, so that i carry them through my days.

I've been meaning to write.....

I know it's been too long, for you and me both.  I'm sorry, I've been busy.  There just isn't enough time in the day or enough of me to go around yadda, yadda, yadda.

I just went back, through all my posts.  Such common threads are so apparent that I really can see who I am, what my (sadly and gratefully) continual struggles are, who I am striving to become and the glimmers of that authentic self poking through.

Living in Arizona now.  In the same body struggling with weight issues and self love lack leaving a whole the size of a large meteor.  Still working on feeding my soul and finding a relationship with myself and spirit.  i could say I am dismayed to see myself stuck still here, but I will only say, I am here and still cognoscente of all this being present, and glad it has not gone.  i am not yet the person i am capable of being, but grateful everyday of the knowledge of who that is and the opportunity to continue to become her. 

Back in a full time job.  Feels fullfilling in the sense of what I am providing for my family and that I work for a company that REALLY values their people and has integrity.  We are doing an interesting training class today talking about behavior Analytics, and it has brought up some interesting thoughts for me.  Because, though not in the class or even via the information provided thus far but in running into my competent trainer in the bathroom I am caught off guard when she asks "how are you Mia?".  Why, I wonder, does my brain immidiately go to "why, do I look like something is wrong?" or I cn't quite meet her eyes because I feel the need to apologize for my mere existance. 

This completely caught me off guard.  Why do I still feel like a child and not an adequate person or contributing adult member of society?

More to come later as I ponder this over the rest of class and learn what my true personality base types are.

Changes. Another Year On My Journey. Feelings Of Lack and A Full Heart

What can I say it Rhymes?  Having just turned 33, birthdays being a time for reflection and being one who sets birthday resolutions not New Years resolutions, the wheels have been turning this month.  I have returned my focus to health from the inside out.  Though it may be crazy hot where we are I have been moving more, meditating more regularly and my resolution as I said last year, just to be happier, I wanted to keep simple, so this year consistency is my focus.  I have found some crazy cool inspirational people on Instagram whose journeys and smiles are just crazy motivating. 

  August has been such a time for CHANGE for my family.  We moved across state lines.  My daughter and I had never lived anywhere but southern California.  We were blessed to be able to rent a HOME, give our kids a neighborhood, you know the one we grew up in where you could ride your bike safely around and walk to your friends houses?  Blessed beyond measure doesn't even cover it.  I look around and in a rough time (finances, emotions, a feeling of lack) it hit me today how FULL my heart and our lives are.  Not with material things or extravagances but with the things I mentioned above.  My heart gushes at the thought of my kids laying their tired heads to sleep in their beds in their own rooms.  The room in the home that allows me to breathe without the walls closing in on me. The simple pleasure of doing a load of laundry in our own washer and dryer, or pulling the car into, dare I say it? the garage.  Walking the kids to one of the best schools in the district because we are close enough to not have to drive.  The school that offers music as an elective at 3rd grade and some sort of music is REQUIRED at 5th grade.  As a girl coming from California and all the state funding and loss of the arts in schools was so sad.  Oh and our 3rd grader can opt yo join the track and cross country team if she wants! Crazy cool.  And for the second day in a row the Hubby and I got up and as he practiced his Disc Golf I did my walk/jog of 2 miles.  Not the greatest pace but moving.  I also had this moment as I was jogging around the track that surrounds the grass area where he was practicing I glanced over and just realized, like you do in the beginning of a relationship, how incredibly lucky I am to call my "tall drink of water" mine! 

So I guess today I had my shift in my thoughts, and you know what they say, Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life ( Thank you Dr. Wayne Dyer), instead of focusing on the lack, I need to focus inward on my overflowing heart of gratitude.

Who Ya Doin' It For?

So much on my mind lately.  I feel as though so many ideas to write about swirl around in my head so quickly I need to take a notebook with me EVERYWHERE I go but then I feel i maybe constantly writing in the notebook. Catch 22? I think I'll try it as some ideas are fleeting and life is busy and sometimes they are forgotten and never make it into the written word. I babble.

With all the press and the now Viral Always commercial/campaign #likeagirl, I had to talk about it.  As many of you it came to me on my Facebook feed and I had no idea what to expect.  I cried.  When I showed my 7 year old, she cried.  It may be a bit early for her to grasp that time in our lives as young women when all the rightfully built in self-worth and confidence is torn to shreds (for most of us) through the process puberty, society, our peers etc.  I went through it.  To this day I am working on regaining it.  I've gone through my own battles, starting as early as 6.  I won't say more than most because we are all fighting our own battles.  But my battles continue.  I continue to berate myself, have a poor self body image, lack confidence and tell myself constantly "you can't do it".  I don't try, because then I can't fail.  Stupid right? Well there have been a lot of wake up calls recently, the largest has two beautiful feet with 10 perfect toes and is a towhead just like I was at her age.  All it takes is action right.  That first step in MY journey.  If you've read my Blog or know me, you know I've been talking about it for YEARS.  It's my time, my time to DO.  Leaf turning, first foot.  I have two beautiful blue eyes looking up to me and I will not fail her.  I have been not trying because my motivation lied with pleasing my Dad or acceptance of society or the itty bitty mommy committee that I am not cool enough to be a member of.  Well F*** them.  It's my time bitches.  My Bug will not tell me she thinks she is fat anymore.  she will not hear it out of my mouth anymore.  Body Hate Stops Here! Time to cleanse mind body and soul.  DO FOR ME AND THOSE BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES I MADE.  Because Life Is Too Beautiful

Believe Now Button Please

I love words.  I am enchanted by them.  I love reading and coming across words I haven't discovered in my almost 32 years.  It's a world still unfolding.  I have had this wild notion that I would write a book someday.  It would have to be about something real.   Not big on fiction this gal.  I could sit and get lost for hours in a book or even some of my favorite blogs.  And I read them knowing they have such a following.  Could I ever be that? Rebecca Wolfe www.girlgonechild.com is one of my favorites.  She has also written a book.  I read her stuff and silently say to myself, I feel like that's me, or what I am supposed to be doing.  Like it's somewhere inside of me, but again the me I know I am inside isn't matching the outer Mia.  Enter the spiritual struggle and the finding myself, my path etc....and the questioning if I am good enough. 

I was recently introduced to Brene Brown.  One of her two TED talks has been viewed over 6 million times.  I'm not surprised.  It's like she was researching me.  She said something like, the one difference between people who felt worthy of love and those who didn't is the ones who felt it, BELIEVED they deserved it.  It about knocked me over.  I am a quarter of the way into her book Gifts Of Imperfection. Maybe if I can get from one side to the other...the believing side.  I can start living the authentic Mia's life, wholeheartedly.  If I can just Believe.  Sounds so simple.....I'm working on it

Time Hop Slap

So I have this app on my phone called Time Hop.  It allows you to take a look back a year, two or even three on that day in your history on Facebook.  So 2 years ago today on Facebook I posted

                 "Can feel the weight creeping back on...enough of that I say!"

Here I sit two years later with the same thing on my mind, initially sort of felt like a slap in the face, the negative tape loop pressed play and the "see you lazy pants, you're still in the same place, still struggling to lose, how come you're not good enough, you'll never be thing or pretty..."  SHUT UP!

There is one ginormous difference between the girl who posted that and the one that sits here today.  I now know that I have to work from the inside out for happy, healthy etc.  We've all heard "Happiness, it's an inside job".  And I AM working on all that and some subtle  shifts inside have begun, I FEEL differently about myself.  Has the stupid subconscious tape loop changed over from negative to positive completely? No.  Am I catching the bad thoughts sooner, yes.  Again, progress, not perfection.  Working from the inside out.