I Wander, And Sometimes I Get Lost

This journey of self exploration, self discovery, life sure has twists and tuns that one could never have predicted.  As the end of another year is coming to a close, I think it's natural we all reflect and look forward.  Taking a moment on my path to look back I can see my beautiful mess for what it is.  Simply it is the journey that has brought me here. I am not where I know I am meant to be but I am grateful everyday for the opportunity to to get there and to grow.  To become the person I know I am capable of being.  I am better than I was yesterday, and every day I can see when I look back at that mess.

 Looking forward, there fog.  It's not clear, but as I grow more and more I know that's OK.  I don't have all the answers nor do I need them right now.  They will come when I am ready for them.  The new year carries with it promise of renewal, resolve to change this or that in ones life.  Many (and I have been one on many a new year in the past) claiming "this will be my year".  But, year of what?  And looking at those years now come and gone, they were all mine.  In all of those years I grew.  Most of those years the growth came from unpleasant circumstances.  But growth nonetheless.  So this new year I will not declare, I will not resolve a thing other than to keep moving forward, to keep wandering, to continue to meander down paths that have no trail yet laid.  To dive into uncharted waters to see if I can find more of myself.  This is after all my journey of just that, finding myself more and more every day.  Sometimes, many more times than I would like to admit, that means putting on a smile and enduring hell inside while I figure out where my next footfall should be. Sometimes it means staying completely still and just breathing.  Sometimes it means closing my eyes and quietly reminding myself that what is meant to be WILL ABSOLUTELY come to fruition, and I cannot nor should I attempt to control things that the universe is handling and absolutely has my back on.  Sometimes it means crying, allowing the pain and fear to come out in waves only to cleanse the place I am standing to make things clear again before moving forward.

So here I stand.  In the only moment that really exists, the here and now.  The beautiful mess in my wake and the future at my feet.  Thank you 2015 for all that you contained.  All the growth and pain and tears and fear and hope and smiles.  Thank you for all that's been lost, found and everything else in between.  I will raise my glass on New Year's Eve and toast to you.

 

Turn Your Face To The Sun  Maithri Goonetilleke
	Beloved, There are days when nothing seems right. When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken. When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly. When comforts are empty. And the world is noise. On those jagged edged days, when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands. And you find yourself all alone. Turn your face to the sun. There is goodness in the world, that even the river of tears cannot erase. There is love in the world, that the numbed armies of fear can not destroy. Sometimes that goodness is everywhere apparent. It pours from the heart of every moment. From the light of every smile. On those soft days, love hides in the eaves to drop like sweet honey on your forehead and sings her lilting lullabies in the arms of the winds. But on some days, Beloved. On days like today.... We need to look, to see. So turn your face to the sun. Even when she is nowhere to be seen. Go inside yourself. Find a speck, a splinter of beauty to be grateful for. 'Yes', the day has worn you. And 'Yes' our mistakes have been so many. But say 'Thank you' anyway. Take account of all that is in your possession. A mind. A heart. A body. A life that breathes, even if for just one more day. Now count the eyes that have smiled at you on your wild journey, the hands that have held you tenderly, the ears that have listened, the prayers that have been made on your behalf. And whisper your 'Thank you' again. Count the sky that has watched you grow with His painted eyes, The heaving waves that find their echo in the tides of your breathing, The little birds that have sung you their songs, The stars which have been a lamp to your path, and are your rightful inheritance. Count unexpected laughter, Count undeserved grace, Count Passion and Love making and Dreams yet to be born, And bow your head and say 'thank you', Now count the lives who still need your light, The hungry, the sick, the helpless, Count the children who will die today and imagine if with the breath of your body you could help just one. Turn your face to the sun, And know yourself as a child of the light. You are the Goodness that cannot be extinguished, The love that burns through the darkest night. And perhaps, In turning You will see what i have seen, that this day where everything seemed wrong, was not your curse, It was your gift, Your chance... To find inside yourself a forgotten 'thank you', To smile in the face of the grim suppressors, To stand in the heart of the glowering darkness and turn your face to the sun.

Here I am Still

Life is beautiful.  I maintain that.  I am a music maker, I am a dreamer of dreams, I still believe.  I believe in the beauty in the mess, the frustration and the quickness in which it passes not giving me a chance to grab the precious moments even for another second.  I believe in the sadness, the tears and the anger.  The would be failures or the lack of progress and the unexpected surprises.  My years have filled with all these things.  I have been reflective lately, more so than other times maybe because, well, just because.  I don't need a reason. 

I feel at a stand still in this moment. In this season of my life. At a stand still, however feeling like time, oh so precious moments are slipping through my fingers.  I don't want that. I have many-a-time declared a "fresh start" or "a new beginning" with much resolve, meaning it every time.  Or perhaps I meant it to the extent that I hoped with all my might that "this is really it, this is when my life takes that turn or begins truly".  The problem I have is, let's just be honest, I don't do.  Change requires action.  Discovery requires exploration.  I've stood still.  I've waited for things to happen to me (they don't, well not like one would hope).  So I am standing still.  I am ok with that, as long as I shift my focus, my thoughts.  I no longer wish to be consumed with thoughts of "getting through the day".  I once had a nurse I worked with overhear someone say that she wished it was the end of her shift, the nurse responded "stop wishing your life away".  That has always stuck with me.

I look at my kids, now 11 and 8, and think of how much time I've wasted just letting things happen.  How many moments I've stepped on allowing my frustration to get the better of me.  Just waiting for the day to end or for it to be bedtime.  It makes me cry.  I've cheated them.  I've cheated myself.  So seldom do I allow the moment to just be what it is and revel in its beauty, its mess, its whateverness.  I'm not perfect, nor do I really strive to be.  But I am reaching for better.  Reaching, requires action on my part.  Requires effort and do, not just hope.  My kids deserve that.  I deserve that.  As I sit 17 weeks along with our third child, life deserves a looking at.  A stern talking to in my direction.  A what's what.  And it is.  So much it is.

And though my tendency is to write and ramble on I fear my thoughts will get muddled.  And if this is nothing else I would at least like to look back at my thoughts and my progression in life and have it make some sense.  So here I am.  Standing still, taking it in, assessing, slowing down so that I might touch the moments for just a bit longer.  So that my kids remember them, so that i carry them through my days.