Beige

Not just the color per se, but I look around my life recently and it lacks a life, a fire.  Something for me to be passionate about, for me (besides the obvious, my family of course).  I need something for me to say, yeah that's what I love.  There are many things I love but haven't found my avenue of expression yet.  I am looking to take a photography course this fall as well as start my yoga practice (that's me practicing yoga, not opening a studio)

I am so impatient I want the fire and passion and joy in my belly to ignite and lead me in the right direction in MY journey NOW! (think Veruca Salt)

Must practice patience and take small steps towards breathing life back into Mia.

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.  ~Author Unknown

Sometimes a girls gotta cry

I can't believe it's been so long since I have returned to write.  Every time I do I remember how much I miss it, and how theraputic it is for me.  So much has happened in the past few months.  I don't feel compelled to talk about any of it though.

As I sit here, thinking about what exactly it is I want to write, to purge, to get off my chest, all that comes to mind is I want to cry.  My shoulders and heart are heavy.  I have been putting on the strong face for so long I just want to cry.  Sometimes life is just to much.  Gotta be strong, gotta put on the good face for the kids, gotta go to work and smile.  Well right now, this is my moment and I am going to let myself hurt.  Let myself feel all the stuff I have been stuffing down.  Let the wounds show. I keep seeing this on Pinterest.....

I'm done trying.......just for today I give myself permission to hurt.

Making the outer me match the inner me or being the true Mia

This above all: to thine own self be true.

I spend a lot of time talking, planning, thinking about things I would like to do, what i would like to be.  I feel a pull towards certain things.  But I don;t get off my behind to get up to do or be.  WHY?  I feel this person inside, but I'm not living as her right now.  I am not being true to myself and who I KNOW I am.  Why are days off allowed to be consumed with bad TV and mundane errands.  Yes, life has to be lived and accordingly there are things that need to happen.  I must go to work, the kids must be attended to, cleaning and keeping the house in order must happen. But isn't it also a must to take care of me?  And to nourish my soul.  I talk about it a lot, I think about it incessantly.  Why aren't I doing it?  I feel like I'm living a false Mia life.  My insides (my soul and it's purpose) are not being lived or expressed outwardly, and more and more that just seems WRONG.

This may be a big, well, DUH moment to anyone who might be reading this but I needed to say it.  I need to live Mia.  I need to let Mia live.

I need to read, to write, to meditate, to go to yoga, to start learning more about photography, to attend a satsang.  I need to walk, to hike, to play, to breathe fresh air and have fun.  I need to sit in the sun.  I need to appreciate this moment.

I need to do.  I need to be.  I will do.  I will be.

Here's to you Mia. Learning to let yourself LIVE.

I Must Get Back

To writing.....
To Reading.....
To Walking....
To Being quiet......

Sometimes I need reminders....

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.”

OK, but how?

So I have increasingly been feeling deficient in the spirit department.  Feeling like I want to read all these books, spiritual texts, (when I wish I could ingest them in binge fashion or absorb all the information osmosis style).  I have struggled with how to start aligning myself with spirit and to practice it daily. To DAILY hold something in my heart that will radiate within me. I feel my heart has been so closed off due to regular life stresses and other life situations that are present at the moment.  I don 't know if I ever really have just surrendered myself to a power greater than myself, I know I want to, I'm just not sure how one does that, and daily just lives with the knowledge that you are not alone.  That you not only cannot "fix" everything or handle everything on your own (in house so to speak), but you don't have to. 

How do I open my heart.  I am here, at the door to my spiritual life and I cannot find the doorknob.  I feel slightly stupid at times, like it seems so easy for everyone else......why not me?  I want to live a mlife full of spirit, faith, hope, courage and love and I want to be able to pass that along to my daughter....I am just not sure I know how......

This is what I am sitting with today.  Felt the need to put it out there.  We will never get the answer if we never ask the question right?

A glance back and a look forward

A year ago this month I seperated from my Husband.  This has been one of the most trying years of my life.  Still so emotionally entrenched in the process of the divorce process and trying to get that all finalized.  Just when I thought I had reached the finish line with it all done semi ammicably.......the crazy starts.  The emotions and wounds open again.  I have every right to not allow that back into my life. 

The good news? 

With all that has been happening over the past year, the work and focus on myself, the lovely Life Skills class, wonderful support from some beautiful souls and the focus on Hailey Bug and her health, happiness and well being.  I see things so much more clearly now and know in my heart what is right. 

And you never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. 

And the gifts I've been given, I cannot wait to share them with Hailey.....she deserves so much.  And Mom can give her that now.  And she will.

Little Moments

Someone once told me that the road to becoming mindful or present looks a little like this....you will have very brief moments when you realize that you are fully present.  You are just in the moment allowing it and yourself and everything around to just be.  Then the moment is gone, like that in a flash you and your brain are back on the fast track.  But as you notice these moments happening, and appreciate them, you begin to stop yourself more and more.  To have more and more of those moments until there are more of them and less of the fast track.  Make sense?

I have diverted from the path to mindfulness.  Must return.  It is a sane path, and I need that at this time.  There has been so much out of balance lately, I feel that if I can return myself to the mindfulness path then answers will come.  Solutions will come.  Because right now, there is so much chaos in my head that it is clouding the spirit and I feel stuck.  Don't like that very much. 

Must return myself to the silent, slow, steady mindful path. 

Namaste