Who Ya Doin' It For?

So much on my mind lately.  I feel as though so many ideas to write about swirl around in my head so quickly I need to take a notebook with me EVERYWHERE I go but then I feel i maybe constantly writing in the notebook. Catch 22? I think I'll try it as some ideas are fleeting and life is busy and sometimes they are forgotten and never make it into the written word. I babble.

With all the press and the now Viral Always commercial/campaign #likeagirl, I had to talk about it.  As many of you it came to me on my Facebook feed and I had no idea what to expect.  I cried.  When I showed my 7 year old, she cried.  It may be a bit early for her to grasp that time in our lives as young women when all the rightfully built in self-worth and confidence is torn to shreds (for most of us) through the process puberty, society, our peers etc.  I went through it.  To this day I am working on regaining it.  I've gone through my own battles, starting as early as 6.  I won't say more than most because we are all fighting our own battles.  But my battles continue.  I continue to berate myself, have a poor self body image, lack confidence and tell myself constantly "you can't do it".  I don't try, because then I can't fail.  Stupid right? Well there have been a lot of wake up calls recently, the largest has two beautiful feet with 10 perfect toes and is a towhead just like I was at her age.  All it takes is action right.  That first step in MY journey.  If you've read my Blog or know me, you know I've been talking about it for YEARS.  It's my time, my time to DO.  Leaf turning, first foot.  I have two beautiful blue eyes looking up to me and I will not fail her.  I have been not trying because my motivation lied with pleasing my Dad or acceptance of society or the itty bitty mommy committee that I am not cool enough to be a member of.  Well F*** them.  It's my time bitches.  My Bug will not tell me she thinks she is fat anymore.  she will not hear it out of my mouth anymore.  Body Hate Stops Here! Time to cleanse mind body and soul.  DO FOR ME AND THOSE BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES I MADE.  Because Life Is Too Beautiful

Believe Now Button Please

I love words.  I am enchanted by them.  I love reading and coming across words I haven't discovered in my almost 32 years.  It's a world still unfolding.  I have had this wild notion that I would write a book someday.  It would have to be about something real.   Not big on fiction this gal.  I could sit and get lost for hours in a book or even some of my favorite blogs.  And I read them knowing they have such a following.  Could I ever be that? Rebecca Wolfe www.girlgonechild.com is one of my favorites.  She has also written a book.  I read her stuff and silently say to myself, I feel like that's me, or what I am supposed to be doing.  Like it's somewhere inside of me, but again the me I know I am inside isn't matching the outer Mia.  Enter the spiritual struggle and the finding myself, my path etc....and the questioning if I am good enough. 

I was recently introduced to Brene Brown.  One of her two TED talks has been viewed over 6 million times.  I'm not surprised.  It's like she was researching me.  She said something like, the one difference between people who felt worthy of love and those who didn't is the ones who felt it, BELIEVED they deserved it.  It about knocked me over.  I am a quarter of the way into her book Gifts Of Imperfection. Maybe if I can get from one side to the other...the believing side.  I can start living the authentic Mia's life, wholeheartedly.  If I can just Believe.  Sounds so simple.....I'm working on it

Time Hop Slap

So I have this app on my phone called Time Hop.  It allows you to take a look back a year, two or even three on that day in your history on Facebook.  So 2 years ago today on Facebook I posted

                 "Can feel the weight creeping back on...enough of that I say!"

Here I sit two years later with the same thing on my mind, initially sort of felt like a slap in the face, the negative tape loop pressed play and the "see you lazy pants, you're still in the same place, still struggling to lose, how come you're not good enough, you'll never be thing or pretty..."  SHUT UP!

There is one ginormous difference between the girl who posted that and the one that sits here today.  I now know that I have to work from the inside out for happy, healthy etc.  We've all heard "Happiness, it's an inside job".  And I AM working on all that and some subtle  shifts inside have begun, I FEEL differently about myself.  Has the stupid subconscious tape loop changed over from negative to positive completely? No.  Am I catching the bad thoughts sooner, yes.  Again, progress, not perfection.  Working from the inside out. 

Progress, However Minimal Is Still Forward Motion

I got to thinking earlier today about how quick I am each morning upon waking to kick myself for what I did, said, ate, how I behaved, not having enough patience, not being present enough.  But it occurred to me as I was silently berating myself, saying something like "how ridiculous you are to have to begin again each day, for your failures the day before".  Then I looked at the sentence again...how ridiculous you are to have to begin again each day, for your failures the day before.  There, that's better.  I've been kicking myself for years for what, not being THERE yet? I am a work in progress and dag nab it progress has been made.  Sometimes two steps forward and one step back, for sure but still forward.   And that I can think differently something like, good for you for not sitting down and giving up on your path of growth in the face of imperfection and obstacles.  And how lovely a thought, to begin again each day, or continue to grow.  What a beautiful dance it is to grow.  I must recognize it more. 



Full......no maybe not completely full circle

Feeling like I was lost, low, hopeless, sad.  Finding truly, madly, deeply, love.  Back to feeling lost, low and hopeless. Reality (and people, including me)  mucks some stuff up, working on the truly, madly, deeply maybe turning it into realistic forever.  Confusing.

It's interesting where life takes us.  The twists and turns.  The lessons learned, those in progress of learning and those I am still fighting because I don't want to learn them quite yet.

It's also interesting to see who is by your side in times like these.  Truly, UNCONDITIONALLY by your side.  That's all for now...

Finding My Way

I say this every time I return but oh how I miss writing, and I have neglected that part of my soul, among many others.

This time in my life along with the Holidays being upon us has me thinking a lot about change and what lies ahead, also shaking myself and though glancing down the road ahead can't hurt, I really need to remind myself to be RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

It's strange (for me) to say at 31 that I am still just scratching the surface of who I really am and what I really want, and what I really could do ad be.  It's exciting, overwhelming and terrifying all at the same time.

I have sort of started a list......

1) I want to become a photographer.  To really learn it, if nothing else to capture those precious moments for my family and friends.

2) I want to write a book.  I love writing and so love words, I wish I could eat them up.

3) If I were to really get a degree in anything I think it would serve my soul best to be a counselor or social worker or something like that.  I feel best when I am of service to others.

4) I want a relationship with God/Spirit/Source, call it whatever you want, but I want to walk with it in my daily life and I don't have that yet

5) I want to begin and sustain a meditation practice

6) I want to study Yoga, become a yogi

7) I want to help people, even if it's just to help them smile more (also see #3)

I will probably come back and periodically add to it, but here I can start, feed your soul.  Love yourself like your life depeds upon it Mia.

Focus on Change

This is my favorite time of year, Fall.  The crispness in the air, the scarves, the changing leaves, the bringing together of family and warmth in the heart.

I have been neglectful of that which lights my inner fire, so I am choosing this, my favorite part of the year to reignite and refocus myself.  To obtain the consciousness I crave.  I want to read and write more.  Take photos and learn more about that process.  Spend Quality time with my family and slow down to pay attention and really take in the smiles and laughter.  To be a part of contributing to those smiles and laughter.  To do my best.  In all areas that serve me, my health and my Family.  To give myself some grace if the house isn't perfect or I am feeling less than for a moment.  I will do my best to listen more than I talk, seek first to understand and have compassion in my heart.  I will do my best to be fully present in each moment.  I will do my best to make my insides match my outsides.  To walk the walk. 

Welcome Mia, your life is waiting.