Here I am Still

Life is beautiful.  I maintain that.  I am a music maker, I am a dreamer of dreams, I still believe.  I believe in the beauty in the mess, the frustration and the quickness in which it passes not giving me a chance to grab the precious moments even for another second.  I believe in the sadness, the tears and the anger.  The would be failures or the lack of progress and the unexpected surprises.  My years have filled with all these things.  I have been reflective lately, more so than other times maybe because, well, just because.  I don't need a reason. 

I feel at a stand still in this moment. In this season of my life. At a stand still, however feeling like time, oh so precious moments are slipping through my fingers.  I don't want that. I have many-a-time declared a "fresh start" or "a new beginning" with much resolve, meaning it every time.  Or perhaps I meant it to the extent that I hoped with all my might that "this is really it, this is when my life takes that turn or begins truly".  The problem I have is, let's just be honest, I don't do.  Change requires action.  Discovery requires exploration.  I've stood still.  I've waited for things to happen to me (they don't, well not like one would hope).  So I am standing still.  I am ok with that, as long as I shift my focus, my thoughts.  I no longer wish to be consumed with thoughts of "getting through the day".  I once had a nurse I worked with overhear someone say that she wished it was the end of her shift, the nurse responded "stop wishing your life away".  That has always stuck with me.

I look at my kids, now 11 and 8, and think of how much time I've wasted just letting things happen.  How many moments I've stepped on allowing my frustration to get the better of me.  Just waiting for the day to end or for it to be bedtime.  It makes me cry.  I've cheated them.  I've cheated myself.  So seldom do I allow the moment to just be what it is and revel in its beauty, its mess, its whateverness.  I'm not perfect, nor do I really strive to be.  But I am reaching for better.  Reaching, requires action on my part.  Requires effort and do, not just hope.  My kids deserve that.  I deserve that.  As I sit 17 weeks along with our third child, life deserves a looking at.  A stern talking to in my direction.  A what's what.  And it is.  So much it is.

And though my tendency is to write and ramble on I fear my thoughts will get muddled.  And if this is nothing else I would at least like to look back at my thoughts and my progression in life and have it make some sense.  So here I am.  Standing still, taking it in, assessing, slowing down so that I might touch the moments for just a bit longer.  So that my kids remember them, so that i carry them through my days.