I've been meaning to write.....

I know it's been too long, for you and me both.  I'm sorry, I've been busy.  There just isn't enough time in the day or enough of me to go around yadda, yadda, yadda.

I just went back, through all my posts.  Such common threads are so apparent that I really can see who I am, what my (sadly and gratefully) continual struggles are, who I am striving to become and the glimmers of that authentic self poking through.

Living in Arizona now.  In the same body struggling with weight issues and self love lack leaving a whole the size of a large meteor.  Still working on feeding my soul and finding a relationship with myself and spirit.  i could say I am dismayed to see myself stuck still here, but I will only say, I am here and still cognoscente of all this being present, and glad it has not gone.  i am not yet the person i am capable of being, but grateful everyday of the knowledge of who that is and the opportunity to continue to become her. 

Back in a full time job.  Feels fullfilling in the sense of what I am providing for my family and that I work for a company that REALLY values their people and has integrity.  We are doing an interesting training class today talking about behavior Analytics, and it has brought up some interesting thoughts for me.  Because, though not in the class or even via the information provided thus far but in running into my competent trainer in the bathroom I am caught off guard when she asks "how are you Mia?".  Why, I wonder, does my brain immidiately go to "why, do I look like something is wrong?" or I cn't quite meet her eyes because I feel the need to apologize for my mere existance. 

This completely caught me off guard.  Why do I still feel like a child and not an adequate person or contributing adult member of society?

More to come later as I ponder this over the rest of class and learn what my true personality base types are.

Changes. Another Year On My Journey. Feelings Of Lack and A Full Heart

What can I say it Rhymes?  Having just turned 33, birthdays being a time for reflection and being one who sets birthday resolutions not New Years resolutions, the wheels have been turning this month.  I have returned my focus to health from the inside out.  Though it may be crazy hot where we are I have been moving more, meditating more regularly and my resolution as I said last year, just to be happier, I wanted to keep simple, so this year consistency is my focus.  I have found some crazy cool inspirational people on Instagram whose journeys and smiles are just crazy motivating. 

  August has been such a time for CHANGE for my family.  We moved across state lines.  My daughter and I had never lived anywhere but southern California.  We were blessed to be able to rent a HOME, give our kids a neighborhood, you know the one we grew up in where you could ride your bike safely around and walk to your friends houses?  Blessed beyond measure doesn't even cover it.  I look around and in a rough time (finances, emotions, a feeling of lack) it hit me today how FULL my heart and our lives are.  Not with material things or extravagances but with the things I mentioned above.  My heart gushes at the thought of my kids laying their tired heads to sleep in their beds in their own rooms.  The room in the home that allows me to breathe without the walls closing in on me. The simple pleasure of doing a load of laundry in our own washer and dryer, or pulling the car into, dare I say it? the garage.  Walking the kids to one of the best schools in the district because we are close enough to not have to drive.  The school that offers music as an elective at 3rd grade and some sort of music is REQUIRED at 5th grade.  As a girl coming from California and all the state funding and loss of the arts in schools was so sad.  Oh and our 3rd grader can opt yo join the track and cross country team if she wants! Crazy cool.  And for the second day in a row the Hubby and I got up and as he practiced his Disc Golf I did my walk/jog of 2 miles.  Not the greatest pace but moving.  I also had this moment as I was jogging around the track that surrounds the grass area where he was practicing I glanced over and just realized, like you do in the beginning of a relationship, how incredibly lucky I am to call my "tall drink of water" mine! 

So I guess today I had my shift in my thoughts, and you know what they say, Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life ( Thank you Dr. Wayne Dyer), instead of focusing on the lack, I need to focus inward on my overflowing heart of gratitude.

Who Ya Doin' It For?

So much on my mind lately.  I feel as though so many ideas to write about swirl around in my head so quickly I need to take a notebook with me EVERYWHERE I go but then I feel i maybe constantly writing in the notebook. Catch 22? I think I'll try it as some ideas are fleeting and life is busy and sometimes they are forgotten and never make it into the written word. I babble.

With all the press and the now Viral Always commercial/campaign #likeagirl, I had to talk about it.  As many of you it came to me on my Facebook feed and I had no idea what to expect.  I cried.  When I showed my 7 year old, she cried.  It may be a bit early for her to grasp that time in our lives as young women when all the rightfully built in self-worth and confidence is torn to shreds (for most of us) through the process puberty, society, our peers etc.  I went through it.  To this day I am working on regaining it.  I've gone through my own battles, starting as early as 6.  I won't say more than most because we are all fighting our own battles.  But my battles continue.  I continue to berate myself, have a poor self body image, lack confidence and tell myself constantly "you can't do it".  I don't try, because then I can't fail.  Stupid right? Well there have been a lot of wake up calls recently, the largest has two beautiful feet with 10 perfect toes and is a towhead just like I was at her age.  All it takes is action right.  That first step in MY journey.  If you've read my Blog or know me, you know I've been talking about it for YEARS.  It's my time, my time to DO.  Leaf turning, first foot.  I have two beautiful blue eyes looking up to me and I will not fail her.  I have been not trying because my motivation lied with pleasing my Dad or acceptance of society or the itty bitty mommy committee that I am not cool enough to be a member of.  Well F*** them.  It's my time bitches.  My Bug will not tell me she thinks she is fat anymore.  she will not hear it out of my mouth anymore.  Body Hate Stops Here! Time to cleanse mind body and soul.  DO FOR ME AND THOSE BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES I MADE.  Because Life Is Too Beautiful