One Foot In Front Of The Other

I'm back.  It feels like so much has happened since I was last here.  Thanksgiving and Christmas have come and gone, and 2011 is right around the corner.  I know I have a lot of people praying for me, pulling for me, wishing me the best in what's going on in my life.  For that, I thank all of you and I am eternally grateful.  I think it's been working.  Christmas was the best, most mellow Christmas I could remember and there has been a sense of peace in my heart ever since then. Moving forward, one step at a time, that process has commenced finally with a sense of calm instead of turmoil.

So as i continue my journey, my Blog and my ramblings, I hope I as well as any who read will tend to see a change here....as it will be reflecting my life and myself.  I feel good.

''The time has come,' the Walrus said,
  'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
  Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
  And whether pigs have wings.''

The Guest House

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,

*This is my poem to rebirth.  I post this to start again in my writing venture.  To inspire the feelings and the words to come from them for me to write again.  I sunk for a moment.  I have come to the surface and see the sun again.  Now we move forward.  I am grateful for the storm.

Thankful

It's a rough time of year.  These Holiday's always bring about great warmth and memories, yes, however it reminds me of family members that are no longer with us.  No longer here to share these times and continue making memories as people and families grow.

I think of my Grandpa Gates.  He passed when I was very young but I remember what a light he was in my family.  He was the bright spot.

I remember Grandma Hylton.  She passed right before thanksgiving.  I am thankful that after her passing I actually came to understand her and appreciate the things she tried to teach me when she was alive.  I should have paid better attention then, but at least I know now and she and I have made peace with each other.  I often think of when I will see her again and how we will only need to smile at one another and all will be understood.

then I think of Grandpa Hylton.  You may remember him from a previous post.  He just turned 91, but I have begun to mourn him already due to his choice to disown his three sons and myself at the hands of the witch he calls a wife.  I am thankful for the time I had with him, pre-witch.

I am thankful for my Mom and her continuous support and guidance in my emotional growth.

I am thankful for the relationship I have with my Dad now, as it was not always a good one.

I am thankful for the dog I adopted as he was absolutely THE dog that was meant to be in my life for so many reasons.

I am so very thankful for my Hailey Bug for teaching me what true unconditional love is.  For helping me learn patience (don't get me wrong, I haven't mastered that one yet), and for just being her.

I am thankful for those in my life who have given of themselves without expecting anything in return.  For those who have been there to help me (emotionally, physically and financially)

I am thankful for my job and all the amazing people I get to work with everyday and how much fun I get to have there.

I am thankful for extended family and support offered through difficult times.



I am thankful for my breath, my health, shelter, food, the sun and the moon.

There Is Beauty In Imperfection

I am not perfect. I am currently quite broken.  I do not require a repair kit though, I think I may mend myself, but a few cracks and chips will remain.  Like that vase that is so beautifully imperfect, or the flawed piece of clothing you love anyway. Like the cat with one eye who could not be more lovable, or that piece of art you don't understand, but speaks to you.  I am imperfect.

I have nothing witty much to say here, I just hope that each day, month and year I can say with certainty....

"I am better than I used to be..."

There is beauty in imperfection, I have seen it.

To Grandpa On Your Upcoming Birthday

Dear Grandpa,

      Happy 91^st Birthday.  Doesn’t seem that long ago that Dad & I were living with you and Grandma in that awful time when my parents divorced.  For me that’s when the vivid memories of mine start with you. 

I remember frequent trips to Sea World and The Zoo.  I was a lucky granddaughter, and I know that now.  I don’t know anyone else that was able to visit those amazingly fun places as frequently as I was, and that was all because of my grandparents.  I remember going to the Zoo to specifically see the newest Alaskan Brown Bear Cubs, Sheena & Spanky.  They were brought to the Zoo in 1986.  I was 5 years old.  As we visited over the years we got to see them grow up together. 

I remember so vividly you helping me with my summer school geography class.  That place mat of the United States and all the capitals helped so much.  I received a perfect score because of your constant quizzing over breakfasts and lunch.  I see the importance that you placed on “places” so much in my Dad now too.

Camping in the motor home in the Laguna Mountains,  I remember how cool I thought it was to have this “house on wheels”.  Playing cards or trivial pursuit in the back and watching Grandma cook away in that tiny kitchen.  And to have a bed so high off the ground!  I remember the smells.  So difficult to describe now but they are pungent in my memories.  Like how you are the only person that comes to mind when I smell Old Spice.

At the house, all the Christmas traditions and family dinners we had celebrating, arguing, laughing, and giving each other a hard time.  That was what the Hylton’s did. I remember not wanting to leave every Christmas morning to go to my Mom’s because I wanted to stay with the Hylton side of the family. 

I remember being able to use your dark room during those years I took photography in summer school, and looking at all those photographs that you had entered in the Fair.  Your paintings as well.  You are so artistic and talented Grandpa.  And the Wood work you have done, the work on making that house a home for your family.  That’s what made it special, I could see you, Grandma, Dad, Charles and Dwight in every square inch.  I am proud to be a Hylton.

Thank you for everything you have given me over all these years that we have had together.  Thank you for helping take care of me when my parents split up.  For putting a roof over our heads before Dad bought the Condo.  Thank you and Grandma for picking me up from school there at Lindbergh Elementary all those times.  Thank you for helping instill in me such values as honesty and manners.  All, things I hope to pass on to Hailey.

I hope you know how much you are loved.  How much I love you.  Happy Birthday.

Love,

Mia

*After questioning if these sentiments were adequate of portraying enough of the love I feel for my Grandfather, my Dad confirmed....it was just what needed to be said.  As I wrote it I felt I was being too simple, not enough detail in the words to evoke those feelings in him that I actually have remembering them.  The truth of the matter is, this was my first draft uncensored letter to my Grandpa on his Birthday. 

In any other family situation this would be a lovely idea.  Getting each family member to write wonderful memories they have of or with the birthday person in question....sadly, this is not the case for my family.

We decided to write these memories down and give them to my grandfather (I am the only grandchild) and in other cases, write to their father.  Making a point to keep all memories positive.  All feelings portrayed grateful and loving.  because 1) that is truly deep down what we feel and 2)my grandfather/their father has chosen a little witch of a wife over any blood family he has left. He has shut us, and the truth out.  The witch has tainted his views of us mostly as a device to sway him to leave all he has ,most of which is the house he and my father and uncles built for their family with their own hands.  The house in which I have SO many awesome, ugly, emotional, saving, wonderful, cheerful, warm memories tied up in.  We are no longer welcome in that home or in his life.  So we do only what we can.  Which is this.  No more fighting, because the grandfather I knew and loved died when that woman came into our lives.  The man I know would not shut out his own sons.  He would not turn his back on the memory of (and I quote him) "The best woman I've ever known".  But that man is gone.

So in the hopes that sending this to the stranger inhabiting my grandfathers body will take the memory of what I wrote with him when he leaves this life, at least I have the satisfaction of knowing I said it.  I didn't let happen what happened when my grandmother passed.  She passed without knowing how much I appreciate what she did for me, or how much I realized that I took her for granted and what she was trying to pass on to her only grandchild should have been shown more respect and value.  This time I am putting it out there.  Grandpa Olds, I hope someday you hear me.  And, to the witch...It comforts me that I am a FIRM believer in Karma.

Until we meet again...

An Episode Of The Office Brings Insight?...Really?

Two guys sitting in the middle of a huge trash pile at the dump, talking about what a great picture it would be...amongst all this trash at the dump if there was just one flower growing up from all of it.  The caption or title to that picture would read (as the gentlemen on the show agreed) "Hope Grows At The Dump". 

Now as my many avid readers know, my life feels a little like a dump lately.  Messy, full of unwanted junk and not easy to wade through.  But I am doing my best (through the dump) to try and see the positive.  I cannot say feel or think positive yet, as I still feel at the beginning stages of my journey and feel pretty mucked up mostly.  But I know the positive exists, and feel that is the first of many steps.

So thank you to "The Office", Hope grows at the dump.  I needed to hear that.  Everything happens for a reason. I DO believe that.

It's Not Always Easy To Do The Right Thing

Sure I've heard it before, but it keeps repeating itself in my head after it was said to me  the other night at a fabulous 80's prom themed birthday.  I'm not sure why this is the time I hear it that it decides to ring so true and hit a nerve, but as I am learning, stop questioning and analyzing things so much and just go with it (so 70's of me yes?"go with the flow man").  It really isn't easy.  It is hard.  I cry, I question myself and my decisions daily and feel very weighted by life a lot lately.  But it's not ALL bad, and it's a lot easier to see that after a good cry sometimes.  Yes, I get emotional and I need to release it, sometimes it comes in that form...I'm becoming much more comfortable with that part of me.  A Slow process for sure but again...one day at a time, I'm sure this whole "finding my way" process will get easier and easier.....

What's So Funny About Peace, Love and Reassurance?

When it comes to my life, even my most personal of personal things, I have always erred on the side of truth.  On telling people ALL of what is going on with me because I appreciate others giving me the opportunity to see things from a perspective  that I may have missed.  I need help, especially when in the middle of something deeply emotional or overwhelming.  I need people close to me to reassure me that my feelings/thoughts/reactions/actions are not crazy.  This helps.  It helps me go forward and pulls me out of the pit of self doubt that I can get into when things are....emotional or overwhelming.  Thank you to those in my life who reassure me of my sanity....fleeting as it may seem.

Patience

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.”

How I feel now

This is what I need to remember: 

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."

I will not lose hope.  I will continue to work on being patient with myself.  I need a patience mantra or something.  I keep trying to make great strides or leaps in my head when I know things take time. 

Renewed Faith In Humanity

So much of our lives are filled with yuck.  Because, well, let's be honest, there is a lot of that in the world.  But there are some of us who are lucky enough to have moments, or people in their lives that every so often renew ones faith in humanity.  I am that person today.  I have worked at my current job since late March of this year and I have fallen in love with it for many reasons, first and foremost...the people who work there with me.  We all recently learned of a fellow co-worker who had fallen ill, and this team has rallied to help support his family like no other I have seen.  It truly brought tears to my eyes.  It's amazing.  I am at a loss for words.  I am grateful and better for knowing all these people.

An Attitude Of Gratitude .....Even Through The Storms

I have to admit, my Mom gave me a journal almost 5 years ago now and she told me to write in it everyday what I was grateful for that day.  Though it has maintained its place right by my bedside I have yet to actually write in it.  I love to write, I love words.  I love to surround myself with beautiful, supportive, inspirational words, there is no obvious reason that I shouldn't have started and maintained this beautiful journal.  I think now is the time...I am trying to change my outlook and I have been told "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change".  I want to express my gratitude to the world, even if it is on pages in a private closed journal.  That still counts as putting it out into the universe right?  In times of trial, which I am all too familiar with lately, its good to be able to look around and see the spots of light in your life like the spots of blue sky peeking out through the Grey clouds after today's rain.  I have a lot to be grateful for in my life, and as time goes on i still find there is even MORE I can see in my life that I am truly lucky to have around me.  Tonight, I write.

One Step At A Time

So much change in such a short period can be overwhelming, nay, is overwhelming.  I find myself today looking at the BIG picture.  Given enough time to think about that, having mini moments of panic, causing actual physical reactions in my body,I have my realization for today: Must look ONLY at the small picture.  One moment, one day at a time. 

“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.” - Mark Twain

I am happy to also have stumbled upon this

‘Smile, breathe and go slowly.’ ~Thich Nhat Hanh

  

Today Was A Good Day

Thank You Thursday

Rain can clean so much up....

The weather today was amazing.  The humidity in the air, the rainfall and the sun peeking out through so much of the clouds.  With the days I have had recently, it felt like the rain couldn't have come at a better time (of course, it came exactly when it was supposed to).  Not only do I love the rain, but the smell in the air and the feel of things after a rain is so clean and new and again...hopeful....

Our rainy day was spent with a little work, a quiet nap with my Bug (she slept, I read) and a walk to take a look at the sky...come to think of it, I think we will go down to the Marina to say goodnight and thank you to today...

A Room With A View

Beware: Falling Moods

Stress, fatigue, illness, injury, all the changes in the world seemingly happening at once...all are contributing factors to my mood as of now I would assume.  It's not a pretty picture, but I deal.  I have to find a new groove.  I have stepped out of everything I have known and been comfortable with for so long and it is scary.  I will not beat myself up or berate myself for the way I am feeling because it is what it is.  I cannot, nor do I feel as if I NEED to be happy-go-lucky ALL of the time.  This is a down period.  A sad period, a stressful period...and this too shall pass...

As for now, right now, this moment, I will ALLOW myself to feel the sadness, the sickness and the pain.  I will not fight it.  I will still smile when I hear Bug laugh.  I will still go to work and enjoy watching others enjoy themselves (which I genuinely enjoy).  I will allow the acclimation and adjustments both internally and externally to come, because I know they will...in their own time.  I must crawl before I can walk, and I am learning a new way to live my life...

Speaking Words Of Wisdom...

Change Is In The Air

Southern California and fall has crept up on us.  The slight chill in the air...the trees have yet to start their changing but oh how I look forward to that.  The leaves in their brilliant colors of orange and yellow always make me smile.

So this, and life in general has me thinking about change.  There are constant changes in our lives, big and small. Work, kids, pets, living situations, friends coming and going, sanity coming and going.  I suppose how we deal with all of these, really says something about who we are and where we are in our lives.  I often feel as though I am back to square one with a lot of things in my life.  This can be perfectly overwhelming and disappointing upon first thought or glance, but when circumstances are mulled over a bit more delicately....other things come into the light.  Things like possibility, opportunity to start anew, hope for the unknown and the willingness to allow the unknown to sit a bit inside oneself...as scary as that may be.  It is a struggle for me, minute to minute I will not lie.  But for now, the knowledge that the unknown doesn't have to be ALL scary, that in an instant, if I shift my thoughts or perspective it can be exciting and hopeful. 

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

The Unexpected, So Ofen A Welcome Surprise

So much that has gone on lately in my life has brought about the unexpected.  I suspect life would generally be sort of boring if only the expected occurred.  I have noticed lately that I have a tendency to control things, to hold on to things and in some cases hold on (squeeze) so tightly that it ruins whatever good could really ever come from it.  So I have consciously been making an effort to let go.  Something my Mom has tried to teach me my WHOLE life thus far. I know Mom, it's taken a bit but I'm trying. 

Surprisingly,ever since I've been trying to be mindful of letting things happen, letting go of controlling or fixing a situation, welcome and unexpected things have been flooding into my life.  It's almost to a point I feel as though the air I am breathing is different.  Like I've been asleep for so long and finally I am awake and experiencing things again.  Life feels good.  I will continue to allow his process to unfold....hopefully with more unexpected surprises down the road.



“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

When The Other Side Of Life Smacks You In The Face

I am an idealist.  I am a dreamer.  I believe in the good in people.  I believe that one day there can be peace in the world.  I trust people inherently.  Sometimes this outlook does not always work out for me.  It's hard to bring together that side of me that just believes people mean to do good and the reality that sometimes sneaks up on you and disappoints you.  It makes me lose some faith in the human race.  I want so badly to pass on my hope and idealism to my daughter but I guess, as her Dad has pointed out sometimes, you need to show her a bit of the reality too.  How do I do that without squishing hope and dreams for a bright beautiful world?  There is so much beauty out there and so much to smile at that I suppose these smudges here and there need to be looked at as just that.  Small little dirty marks on life that shouldn't tarnish your outlook as a whole.  But man, I am being tested today.

I am grateful for the family that surrounds us that helps us remember that there is so much good in people, and the support group of friends that continues to grow.  I haven't had that in awhile. 

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.  ~William Shakespeare

Things Are Meant To Be

People have told me recently,if you can make yourself open to life as it comes, what you need will present itself.  I am finding that to be oh so true in my life.  Rather than trying to make something happen or force things, just allowing things to come to me when life decides it's time.

Today a quote of inspiration from Osho presented itself to me:

No-Thought for the Day: There is no need of competition with anybody. You are yourself, and as you are, you are perfectly good. Accept yourself.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately.  In my quest to rid my life of all "toxins" both mental and physical, I have noticed that I constantly compare myself and my situation to others and then beat myself up for not being this or doing that and it's really awful.  It's also unnecessary. It's an awful habit I at least recognize.  Now I can be mindful and work on it.  

I am grateful for becoming more open to receiving what I need in my life, and I am grateful for those with so much wisdom to impart.

    

Books, Music, Running and Silence

I wish I could absorb books.  Ingest them.  there is so much out there I really want to read but life happens and it seems like there is so little time to dedicate to just delving into all these wonderful books I surround myself with.  This is something I am trying to be more mindful of.  It goes along with taking time out for me. 

It's also as if the music finding its way to my ears right now was written for me, right now in my life.  I love that feeling.  Music speaking to me.  I have missed that.  It sort of breathes new life into me.  Much Needed.

Running....who knew.  I love it.  It just took me doing it, then doing it again....and then again.  I feel incomplete now if I don't get that movement into my day.  I must keep at it.  For health and sanity sake.  Plus, it's something I get to do ......by myself.

The one thing I took for granted before having a child was silence.  I miss it so much.  In this crazy world it's hard but I am trying to find more and more of it, whether I seek it out or I just am mindful of the moments when they present themselves. 

Must be mindful.

Feeling Good

So much seems to be stirring inside me.  Good thoughts, feelings,my mood has shifted and I cannot complain.  Something has yanked me out of the sad hole I was in and I feel like the sun is finally hitting my face and it feels GOOD.

I haven't been in touch with music for a long time too and all of a sudden it seems like I am hearing songs differently.  I'm not just hearing them, I am feeling them course through my veins and it feels good.  The lyrics sound like they were meant for me and only me right at this moment in my life.  I needed that.  I'm driving around town running errands dancing and singing like a fool.  And I'm loving every minute of it.

I feel happiness afoot in my life.  I feel hope and feel like it's real and I can almost hold it like a tangible item.  I am taking time out of every day for me.  Making sure I am putting me on the priority list again.

So healthy mind: I'm sure feeling happier than I have in a long time.  Change your thoughts, change your life right?

Healthy Body: Getting healthier, feeling way better

Healthy Spirit: I feel full, my heart is full of gratitude for the good things in my life.

Thank you to those positive people in my life who are helping me along the way.  You have no idea what your presence in my life means to me.

 

Fallen Off The Exercise wagon

Is what I have obviously done, as you can tell I have not been writing about my glorious daily experiences of great endorphins pumping through me post workout, or the "me time" I've gotten in.  And since I have not been nurturing myself (mind, body or spirit) I feel pretty much like a slug.  Yuck.  Ok, so I am off to the pool now to get some laps then sun in, maybe read a book. Then off to work tonight. 

It's interesting, coming from habits that were not taking good care of me, it's hard to switch things up quickly.  Daily effort must be made.  I'm worth the effort though I think.....

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe"

Life as it is and what might be missing

To say I am going through a rough patch in my life, well, I think that's an understatement.  Things in life are shifting, like after an earthquake.  You know the earthquake itself is over but you are constantly waiting for the aftershocks.  Always afraid that the next time you put your foot down the earth below you might not be in the same place you left it. I still don't know where or how everything is going to end up, all I can do is work on me and do the best I know how for me and the Bug (and the Tuff...whom I feel I have yet to introduce...my 5 year old pit bull).  That's all anyone can do is there best right?  By no means does this mean I make no mistakes.  My best right now comes with many a flaw.  I am a work in progress.  I am learning.  Learning to trust myself, and really for the first time to love myself.  It feels good to be pointed in that direction at least, amidst all the yuck going on right now.

The way I am feeling a lot lately is that I am missing a part of my trinity.  I know the logical way to a healthy body: Eat well, and move more.  A healthy mind: Start learning to love and trust myself, let go of the past, forgive, live in the moment (reading a lot on the subject).  The spirit though...I've never been taught how to have a relationship with that portion of myself or God for that matter.  And I want to avoid getting caught up in the "religion" debate/conversation with everyone.  I believe there is more than one road to God, I am struggling with finding my own.  I think Elizabeth Gilbert in "Eat, Pray, Love" said it best for me.

"I want to have a lasting experience of God.  Sometimes I feel like I understand the divinity in this world, but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears.  I want to be with God all the time.  But I don't want to be a monk , or totally give up worldly pleasures.  I guess what I want to learn is to live in this world and enjoy it's delights but also devote myself to God."

My search for such has begun I suppose...

Me Time

Oh how I have missed it.  Me Time.  I cannot describe the simple joy I get now from doing things completely on my own.  Wandering through Target sans child is almost blissful.  Today, knowing that I had a 2 1/2 hour span that the Bug (also known as my daughter) would be in preschool I decided my exercise of choice today in the 90 degree weather should be swimming.  The pool was not totally deserted but few enough people were there that it remained pleasant.  i couldn't swim for as long as I thought, but that will come as I build up endurance and strength.  But after I was out of breath, I made sure to give myself enough Me Time to sit and just soak up the sun.  No one to talk to, no book, no electronic devices, just me and the sun.

For my mind and body, I am glad I took some quiet time out for me.

Today It Begins

My Journey.  To become the healthiest me.  I've made half-hearted commitments or resolutions in the past but nothing has ever stuck.  And now I have arrived at the last year I will live in my 20's, having just turned 29, and something feels different.  This one's for me. (raising the proverbial glass toasting myself)

I am not in the best shape (to say the least), and I have a lack in my life that I feel can only be filled with finding my way to spirituality.  So this is my commitment, in writing, to myself, that I will, a year from now, be the healthiest me that I have ever been.  Mind, Body and Spirit.

Here I go...