I Must Get Back

To writing.....
To Reading.....
To Walking....
To Being quiet......

Sometimes I need reminders....

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.”

OK, but how?

So I have increasingly been feeling deficient in the spirit department.  Feeling like I want to read all these books, spiritual texts, (when I wish I could ingest them in binge fashion or absorb all the information osmosis style).  I have struggled with how to start aligning myself with spirit and to practice it daily. To DAILY hold something in my heart that will radiate within me. I feel my heart has been so closed off due to regular life stresses and other life situations that are present at the moment.  I don 't know if I ever really have just surrendered myself to a power greater than myself, I know I want to, I'm just not sure how one does that, and daily just lives with the knowledge that you are not alone.  That you not only cannot "fix" everything or handle everything on your own (in house so to speak), but you don't have to. 

How do I open my heart.  I am here, at the door to my spiritual life and I cannot find the doorknob.  I feel slightly stupid at times, like it seems so easy for everyone else......why not me?  I want to live a mlife full of spirit, faith, hope, courage and love and I want to be able to pass that along to my daughter....I am just not sure I know how......

This is what I am sitting with today.  Felt the need to put it out there.  We will never get the answer if we never ask the question right?

A glance back and a look forward

A year ago this month I seperated from my Husband.  This has been one of the most trying years of my life.  Still so emotionally entrenched in the process of the divorce process and trying to get that all finalized.  Just when I thought I had reached the finish line with it all done semi ammicably.......the crazy starts.  The emotions and wounds open again.  I have every right to not allow that back into my life. 

The good news? 

With all that has been happening over the past year, the work and focus on myself, the lovely Life Skills class, wonderful support from some beautiful souls and the focus on Hailey Bug and her health, happiness and well being.  I see things so much more clearly now and know in my heart what is right. 

And you never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. 

And the gifts I've been given, I cannot wait to share them with Hailey.....she deserves so much.  And Mom can give her that now.  And she will.

Little Moments

Someone once told me that the road to becoming mindful or present looks a little like this....you will have very brief moments when you realize that you are fully present.  You are just in the moment allowing it and yourself and everything around to just be.  Then the moment is gone, like that in a flash you and your brain are back on the fast track.  But as you notice these moments happening, and appreciate them, you begin to stop yourself more and more.  To have more and more of those moments until there are more of them and less of the fast track.  Make sense?

I have diverted from the path to mindfulness.  Must return.  It is a sane path, and I need that at this time.  There has been so much out of balance lately, I feel that if I can return myself to the mindfulness path then answers will come.  Solutions will come.  Because right now, there is so much chaos in my head that it is clouding the spirit and I feel stuck.  Don't like that very much. 

Must return myself to the silent, slow, steady mindful path. 

Namaste

Body, Mind and Soul

Well hello Blog.  How are you?  I know, I am sorry I have neglected you so.  None the less I am here now and I have missed you as well.

Who has two thumbs and turns 30 in 12 days?  This girl!!!!!

What a sad, strange, amazing, enlightening year it has been.  I think 29 held more emotion, discomfort, pain, joy, elation, discomfort, discovery, insight...man I could go on for days.  I think the biggest lessons that came out of this year for me were:

• Change takes time, and patience and both of those things are my friend
• No matter what happens, I know that I can and will be OK
• No matter what is happening, I am right where I need to be, experiencing what I need to experience to learn and grow
• If you look hard enough and want to, you can see the beauty in anything
• I have the capacity to love like I never knew
• Loving myself and believeing in myself are immensly important
• We all need to be kinder to ourselves
• I am grateful

I guess I could really go on and on with these as well, but there is such comfort in really starting to grasp some of these and put them into practice in my everyday thoughts and life...

When I started this blog I really expected to be a "whole new woman" by the time the 30 birthday came around, but as I have learned....change is a process, a slow one.  My intention was to be at my healthy goal in Mind, Body, and Spirit.  Let's just say that the Mind was the first thing I tackled and I'm still a work in progress.  And that's OK.  A couple books have found their way into my life (I love books) and I was thinking of dedicating the first month in my 30's to these to start the Body, Spirit journeys on their way and to REALLY put effort forth there.

I continually look forward to learning more and more about who I am and who I am intended to be. 

I am ever so grateful (to the extent I am in teary eyed right now as I type) to those who have shown support in every way to me over the past year and currently.  At the risk of sounding like I am accepting an award I would like to say thank you to the Perry family, I have no words that would adequately express my thanks.  Tine, for reaching out with things I needed to hear right when I needed to hear them.  The peeps at the Diner who have lent their ears and been so supportive.  My family, seriously.  Where would we all be without one another right?

Anywho, it feels good to write again.  I have missed it.  I must return and do it more often. 

The Journey Continues....

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” Bob Moawad

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright....Duh

So much change is afoot and it has me wondering why it's so hard to deal with the unknown.  Why can't I just let the unknown unfold effortlessly?  It will come as it is meant to anyway, and I know this in my head but it is still my gut instinct to worry......I want to work on that.  I will work on that.

I need to just let it be, let it come moment by moment.

Turning A Corner, Shutting A Door, Opening A Window, The Fork In The Road

So much has happened since the last time I posted/wrote.  The life skills class I am taking is truly making a difference in how I deal with people, places and situations....for the better.  I only hope that the class is working it's magic still on how I view myself....that still needs a little work truth be told...man I am hard on myself.

I was actually admitted to the hospital very early Monday morning with appendicitis.  I am thankful for my bodies instincts and my good fortune that my brain decided to pay attention to them and go to the ER.  I did have an appendix doing it's best to rupture and while diagnosing that they found a 3 inch cyst that needed removal as well.  So as much pain as I am in now I am thankful that all the bad stuff is out of there.  Just need to heal now.  To heal and to pray on a daily basis to the health gods for mine and Hailey's health....apparently i haven't been doing that. I had my gal bladder removed when I was seventeen and this recovery feels very similar.  I take my core muscles for granted all too much and hereby vow that when I am physically able to start I will start the Whittle Your Middle Challenge posted by my colleague Kila.

So, doing my best to improve who I am on a daily basis, to be a better mother and just a better person.  Also doing what I can to speed this recovery process from the surgeries.  Cheers to being on the mend.

And.....I am in a relationship now.  It is good, nay, great.

So there is a big part of me that with all this positive momentum, I can truly shut the door on my past.  Shut the door and leave it there.  Not to be forgotten or regretted but not to be dwelt upon.

I like the way this new door, the one to these next chapters of my life, is looking....

Here we go....

LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN FOR THAT WHICH IS NEW

Is That Me In The Mirror

I think it's fair to say I have felt some "unrest" in the past, oh 4-5 years of my life.  I have gone through a lot. I am  not necessarily in a place where I can say I have "gotten over" all of the things that I have been through but I am a work in progress and am ever so grateful to be an active and engaged part of the process.

I have been learning A LOT lately about myself, what I've been through and really where to go from here.  and that in and of itself is so liberating.  It's so simple some of the things I am learning, but it puts a whole new perspective into focus.  Amazing.  And I think it is so true what people have told me, that as you gain more clarity on your past situation(s), and then more control over how you handle your current situation WITH your new understanding more and more healthy and pleasant situations come into the light.  And you are more well equipped to handle them in a "big girl" fashion.  Dare I say.....I think I am growing up. 

Things are good, and feel like they have never felt before in my life.....peaceful.  It's a different style....this peacefulness.  can't say I recognize myself in the mirror yet with it on but I'm liking the way it fits and I am in no way ready to take it off.   I keep looking in the mirror to make sure it is really me, make sure this is really possible in MY life......and all signs point to yes......I'm digging the new look, I'm rockin the peacefulness.

And then It Was Done

I have written about my Grandfather previously here on my blog.  I won't rehash the whole family situation, but in the spirit of working through things...I write....

So my family situation on my Dad's side is strained.  Grandpa disowned all of us after marrying the devil which walks the earth with the name Jeanie.  Grandpa and the Devil are selling the Hylton home.  The home my Grandfather, my Dad and uncles all had a hand in building.  All of us lived there at one point and it was the center of the family, the gathering place for all birthdays, thanksgivings and famous Christmas brunches.  The best pies in America were baked in my grandmothers famous oven.  Many laughs, loves and tears were expressed in that home.  Many arguments too, I won't pretend we are anything near perfect. 

My Grandpa finally reached out to his sons, asking them to come over and go through things before the devil and he sell the house and move to Kentucky.  as my Dad put it....all of that is just "stuff" but my grandfather, and the essence of what our family was....is gone.

Somehow though, the news that my Grandmothers stove would be sold off or sold with the house devastated me.  I cried....twice... while talking to my dad.

But, this is really it.  The dismantling of the Hylton home.  The picking apart the ashes of my deceased grandmother and her wishes.  My Grandfather has allowed this.  I know each generation wants better than the one before....so with this, I hope we Hylton's learn from the mistakes that have gone before us, allow this tragedy to draw us closer together as a family and pave roads to new traditions and bonds.  All we have is each other and a lifetime more of memories to build. 

I may be the last "Hylton", the only grandchild, but i won't let it end there.  We have had two amazing women who have now married into the family and another grandchild to add to the mix.  My daughter is not a Hylton per se but may she experience what we Hylton's can show her about what we were a part of for so many years....in that home.

I raise my glass to the Hylton's.  Olds, belle, Jim, Charles, Dwight, Yolanda, Charya, Lorena & Hailey.

"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family: Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."

The Rapture of Being Alive

Excerpts from Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser

"Rapture is not a selfish emotion.  It is pure gratitude, flowing freely through the body, heart and soul.  Gratitude for what?  For breath, for colors, for music, for friendship, humor, weather, sleep, awareness.  It is a willing engagement with the whole messy miracle of life.  The world suffers more from unhappy, stifled people trying to do good than it does from those who are simply content with themselves."

"I have a card stuck on my refrigerator that shows a woman standing in reverence before an open freezer door, saying, "Amazing! Perfect ice cubes again."  That's the kind of simple rapture I am talking about.  I realize we are not put on this earth to stand around open freezer ranting like idiots about ice cubes.  But a good question to ask yourself is this: If perfect ice cubes or an evening sky or an old song on the radio has not made your heart flip-flop lately, why not? What is keeping you from feeling rapture?  I can assure you, you won't find the answer in a lighted room.  What stands between you and a full-bodied life can be found only in the shadows.  What wants to live in you may be waiting-as it was for me-at the end of a long loneliness"

Rapture: Ecstatic joy or delight; joyful ecstasy

 

 

 

 

 



I Just Feel Good

I've spent a lot of time the past week near the water, driving the coast and soaking up the sun....and I just feel good.

There is something about the water....so peaceful and centering.  The sun, so soothing and comforting.

I feel alive.  I feel things inside, the wheels are turning and change is occuring.  I will lay out the welcome mat....

"Don't ask what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.  Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Headed In A New Direction....With Fresh Eyes

This past weekend really took it out of me.  Physically drained from emptying a 10x15 storage unit and moving its contents too and fro, ultimately getting rid of most of it.  Hopefully those things are with people now who could really use them.  As freeing as it was to shed so much 'stuff' from my life, that storage unit contained my married life.  So as I got to go through all that solo, there were the inevitable emotional land mines......exploding right in my face. 

So with that sorting, exploding and shedding behind me, I am looking at this Monday as a fresh start.  New perspective, happier things, happier times.  Enjoy the sun, the fresh air, enjoy life!  And begin surrounding myself with like minded people....as I already have.  This 2011 is still looking damn promising......and I am nothing but optomistic!

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you.  You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."

-Mary Pickford

NOBODY'S GONNA BREAK MY STRIDE, NOBODY'S GONNA SLOW ME DOWN OH NO IVE GOT TO KEEP A MOVING

Needs To Be Posted.....again.....

Sometimes You Just Have To Laugh

With all the drama that is currently in my life, some of the best advice I've gotten is...."don't you just want to laugh?".  It's true....the drama has not only bordered on the edge of the pool we call ridiculous...the drama did a belly flop into that pool.  And ridiculous has splashed all over the place. I could get into specifics but that is not what MY blog, MY thoughts or MY space should be giving it's attention to....instead....

Life is beautiful. 

Yes.  I said it.  Smoggy, sick filled, downtrodden, catastrophe laden, rainy, cry inducing, scream creating, tear my hair out, panic attack  life.....is beautiful. 



Because, with all the madness....there is beauty here.  I am just grateful that I know this.  This is not a fact i search for proof of anymore...I just know. 

Progress.

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past

I cannot change what is behind me.  I cannot live and move forward all the while looking in the rear view mirror.I cannot predict the future or worry about events that have yet to happen.  All I have is now.