This journey of self exploration, self discovery, life sure has twists and tuns that one could never have predicted. As the end of another year is coming to a close, I think it's natural we all reflect and look forward. Taking a moment on my path to look back I can see my beautiful mess for what it is. Simply it is the journey that has brought me here. I am not where I know I am meant to be but I am grateful everyday for the opportunity to to get there and to grow. To become the person I know I am capable of being. I am better than I was yesterday, and every day I can see when I look back at that mess.
Looking forward, there fog. It's not clear, but as I grow more and more I know that's OK. I don't have all the answers nor do I need them right now. They will come when I am ready for them. The new year carries with it promise of renewal, resolve to change this or that in ones life. Many (and I have been one on many a new year in the past) claiming "this will be my year". But, year of what? And looking at those years now come and gone, they were all mine. In all of those years I grew. Most of those years the growth came from unpleasant circumstances. But growth nonetheless. So this new year I will not declare, I will not resolve a thing other than to keep moving forward, to keep wandering, to continue to meander down paths that have no trail yet laid. To dive into uncharted waters to see if I can find more of myself. This is after all my journey of just that, finding myself more and more every day. Sometimes, many more times than I would like to admit, that means putting on a smile and enduring hell inside while I figure out where my next footfall should be. Sometimes it means staying completely still and just breathing. Sometimes it means closing my eyes and quietly reminding myself that what is meant to be WILL ABSOLUTELY come to fruition, and I cannot nor should I attempt to control things that the universe is handling and absolutely has my back on. Sometimes it means crying, allowing the pain and fear to come out in waves only to cleanse the place I am standing to make things clear again before moving forward.
So here I stand. In the only moment that really exists, the here and now. The beautiful mess in my wake and the future at my feet. Thank you 2015 for all that you contained. All the growth and pain and tears and fear and hope and smiles. Thank you for all that's been lost, found and everything else in between. I will raise my glass on New Year's Eve and toast to you.