I Wander, And Sometimes I Get Lost

This journey of self exploration, self discovery, life sure has twists and tuns that one could never have predicted.  As the end of another year is coming to a close, I think it's natural we all reflect and look forward.  Taking a moment on my path to look back I can see my beautiful mess for what it is.  Simply it is the journey that has brought me here. I am not where I know I am meant to be but I am grateful everyday for the opportunity to to get there and to grow.  To become the person I know I am capable of being.  I am better than I was yesterday, and every day I can see when I look back at that mess.

 Looking forward, there fog.  It's not clear, but as I grow more and more I know that's OK.  I don't have all the answers nor do I need them right now.  They will come when I am ready for them.  The new year carries with it promise of renewal, resolve to change this or that in ones life.  Many (and I have been one on many a new year in the past) claiming "this will be my year".  But, year of what?  And looking at those years now come and gone, they were all mine.  In all of those years I grew.  Most of those years the growth came from unpleasant circumstances.  But growth nonetheless.  So this new year I will not declare, I will not resolve a thing other than to keep moving forward, to keep wandering, to continue to meander down paths that have no trail yet laid.  To dive into uncharted waters to see if I can find more of myself.  This is after all my journey of just that, finding myself more and more every day.  Sometimes, many more times than I would like to admit, that means putting on a smile and enduring hell inside while I figure out where my next footfall should be. Sometimes it means staying completely still and just breathing.  Sometimes it means closing my eyes and quietly reminding myself that what is meant to be WILL ABSOLUTELY come to fruition, and I cannot nor should I attempt to control things that the universe is handling and absolutely has my back on.  Sometimes it means crying, allowing the pain and fear to come out in waves only to cleanse the place I am standing to make things clear again before moving forward.

So here I stand.  In the only moment that really exists, the here and now.  The beautiful mess in my wake and the future at my feet.  Thank you 2015 for all that you contained.  All the growth and pain and tears and fear and hope and smiles.  Thank you for all that's been lost, found and everything else in between.  I will raise my glass on New Year's Eve and toast to you.

 

Turn Your Face To The Sun  Maithri Goonetilleke
	Beloved, There are days when nothing seems right. When every shell you pick up on the winding shore is broken. When the silken treasure slips through your fingers too quickly. When comforts are empty. And the world is noise. On those jagged edged days, when the wind is screaming for a reason only she understands. And you find yourself all alone. Turn your face to the sun. There is goodness in the world, that even the river of tears cannot erase. There is love in the world, that the numbed armies of fear can not destroy. Sometimes that goodness is everywhere apparent. It pours from the heart of every moment. From the light of every smile. On those soft days, love hides in the eaves to drop like sweet honey on your forehead and sings her lilting lullabies in the arms of the winds. But on some days, Beloved. On days like today.... We need to look, to see. So turn your face to the sun. Even when she is nowhere to be seen. Go inside yourself. Find a speck, a splinter of beauty to be grateful for. 'Yes', the day has worn you. And 'Yes' our mistakes have been so many. But say 'Thank you' anyway. Take account of all that is in your possession. A mind. A heart. A body. A life that breathes, even if for just one more day. Now count the eyes that have smiled at you on your wild journey, the hands that have held you tenderly, the ears that have listened, the prayers that have been made on your behalf. And whisper your 'Thank you' again. Count the sky that has watched you grow with His painted eyes, The heaving waves that find their echo in the tides of your breathing, The little birds that have sung you their songs, The stars which have been a lamp to your path, and are your rightful inheritance. Count unexpected laughter, Count undeserved grace, Count Passion and Love making and Dreams yet to be born, And bow your head and say 'thank you', Now count the lives who still need your light, The hungry, the sick, the helpless, Count the children who will die today and imagine if with the breath of your body you could help just one. Turn your face to the sun, And know yourself as a child of the light. You are the Goodness that cannot be extinguished, The love that burns through the darkest night. And perhaps, In turning You will see what i have seen, that this day where everything seemed wrong, was not your curse, It was your gift, Your chance... To find inside yourself a forgotten 'thank you', To smile in the face of the grim suppressors, To stand in the heart of the glowering darkness and turn your face to the sun.