Believe Now Button Please

I love words.  I am enchanted by them.  I love reading and coming across words I haven't discovered in my almost 32 years.  It's a world still unfolding.  I have had this wild notion that I would write a book someday.  It would have to be about something real.   Not big on fiction this gal.  I could sit and get lost for hours in a book or even some of my favorite blogs.  And I read them knowing they have such a following.  Could I ever be that? Rebecca Wolfe www.girlgonechild.com is one of my favorites.  She has also written a book.  I read her stuff and silently say to myself, I feel like that's me, or what I am supposed to be doing.  Like it's somewhere inside of me, but again the me I know I am inside isn't matching the outer Mia.  Enter the spiritual struggle and the finding myself, my path etc....and the questioning if I am good enough. 

I was recently introduced to Brene Brown.  One of her two TED talks has been viewed over 6 million times.  I'm not surprised.  It's like she was researching me.  She said something like, the one difference between people who felt worthy of love and those who didn't is the ones who felt it, BELIEVED they deserved it.  It about knocked me over.  I am a quarter of the way into her book Gifts Of Imperfection. Maybe if I can get from one side to the other...the believing side.  I can start living the authentic Mia's life, wholeheartedly.  If I can just Believe.  Sounds so simple.....I'm working on it

Time Hop Slap

So I have this app on my phone called Time Hop.  It allows you to take a look back a year, two or even three on that day in your history on Facebook.  So 2 years ago today on Facebook I posted

                 "Can feel the weight creeping back on...enough of that I say!"

Here I sit two years later with the same thing on my mind, initially sort of felt like a slap in the face, the negative tape loop pressed play and the "see you lazy pants, you're still in the same place, still struggling to lose, how come you're not good enough, you'll never be thing or pretty..."  SHUT UP!

There is one ginormous difference between the girl who posted that and the one that sits here today.  I now know that I have to work from the inside out for happy, healthy etc.  We've all heard "Happiness, it's an inside job".  And I AM working on all that and some subtle  shifts inside have begun, I FEEL differently about myself.  Has the stupid subconscious tape loop changed over from negative to positive completely? No.  Am I catching the bad thoughts sooner, yes.  Again, progress, not perfection.  Working from the inside out. 

Progress, However Minimal Is Still Forward Motion

I got to thinking earlier today about how quick I am each morning upon waking to kick myself for what I did, said, ate, how I behaved, not having enough patience, not being present enough.  But it occurred to me as I was silently berating myself, saying something like "how ridiculous you are to have to begin again each day, for your failures the day before".  Then I looked at the sentence again...how ridiculous you are to have to begin again each day, for your failures the day before.  There, that's better.  I've been kicking myself for years for what, not being THERE yet? I am a work in progress and dag nab it progress has been made.  Sometimes two steps forward and one step back, for sure but still forward.   And that I can think differently something like, good for you for not sitting down and giving up on your path of growth in the face of imperfection and obstacles.  And how lovely a thought, to begin again each day, or continue to grow.  What a beautiful dance it is to grow.  I must recognize it more. 



Full......no maybe not completely full circle

Feeling like I was lost, low, hopeless, sad.  Finding truly, madly, deeply, love.  Back to feeling lost, low and hopeless. Reality (and people, including me)  mucks some stuff up, working on the truly, madly, deeply maybe turning it into realistic forever.  Confusing.

It's interesting where life takes us.  The twists and turns.  The lessons learned, those in progress of learning and those I am still fighting because I don't want to learn them quite yet.

It's also interesting to see who is by your side in times like these.  Truly, UNCONDITIONALLY by your side.  That's all for now...