OK, but how?

So I have increasingly been feeling deficient in the spirit department.  Feeling like I want to read all these books, spiritual texts, (when I wish I could ingest them in binge fashion or absorb all the information osmosis style).  I have struggled with how to start aligning myself with spirit and to practice it daily. To DAILY hold something in my heart that will radiate within me. I feel my heart has been so closed off due to regular life stresses and other life situations that are present at the moment.  I don 't know if I ever really have just surrendered myself to a power greater than myself, I know I want to, I'm just not sure how one does that, and daily just lives with the knowledge that you are not alone.  That you not only cannot "fix" everything or handle everything on your own (in house so to speak), but you don't have to. 

How do I open my heart.  I am here, at the door to my spiritual life and I cannot find the doorknob.  I feel slightly stupid at times, like it seems so easy for everyone else......why not me?  I want to live a mlife full of spirit, faith, hope, courage and love and I want to be able to pass that along to my daughter....I am just not sure I know how......

This is what I am sitting with today.  Felt the need to put it out there.  We will never get the answer if we never ask the question right?

A glance back and a look forward

A year ago this month I seperated from my Husband.  This has been one of the most trying years of my life.  Still so emotionally entrenched in the process of the divorce process and trying to get that all finalized.  Just when I thought I had reached the finish line with it all done semi ammicably.......the crazy starts.  The emotions and wounds open again.  I have every right to not allow that back into my life. 

The good news? 

With all that has been happening over the past year, the work and focus on myself, the lovely Life Skills class, wonderful support from some beautiful souls and the focus on Hailey Bug and her health, happiness and well being.  I see things so much more clearly now and know in my heart what is right. 

And you never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. 

And the gifts I've been given, I cannot wait to share them with Hailey.....she deserves so much.  And Mom can give her that now.  And she will.

Little Moments

Someone once told me that the road to becoming mindful or present looks a little like this....you will have very brief moments when you realize that you are fully present.  You are just in the moment allowing it and yourself and everything around to just be.  Then the moment is gone, like that in a flash you and your brain are back on the fast track.  But as you notice these moments happening, and appreciate them, you begin to stop yourself more and more.  To have more and more of those moments until there are more of them and less of the fast track.  Make sense?

I have diverted from the path to mindfulness.  Must return.  It is a sane path, and I need that at this time.  There has been so much out of balance lately, I feel that if I can return myself to the mindfulness path then answers will come.  Solutions will come.  Because right now, there is so much chaos in my head that it is clouding the spirit and I feel stuck.  Don't like that very much. 

Must return myself to the silent, slow, steady mindful path. 

Namaste

Body, Mind and Soul

Well hello Blog.  How are you?  I know, I am sorry I have neglected you so.  None the less I am here now and I have missed you as well.

Who has two thumbs and turns 30 in 12 days?  This girl!!!!!

What a sad, strange, amazing, enlightening year it has been.  I think 29 held more emotion, discomfort, pain, joy, elation, discomfort, discovery, insight...man I could go on for days.  I think the biggest lessons that came out of this year for me were:

• Change takes time, and patience and both of those things are my friend
• No matter what happens, I know that I can and will be OK
• No matter what is happening, I am right where I need to be, experiencing what I need to experience to learn and grow
• If you look hard enough and want to, you can see the beauty in anything
• I have the capacity to love like I never knew
• Loving myself and believeing in myself are immensly important
• We all need to be kinder to ourselves
• I am grateful

I guess I could really go on and on with these as well, but there is such comfort in really starting to grasp some of these and put them into practice in my everyday thoughts and life...

When I started this blog I really expected to be a "whole new woman" by the time the 30 birthday came around, but as I have learned....change is a process, a slow one.  My intention was to be at my healthy goal in Mind, Body, and Spirit.  Let's just say that the Mind was the first thing I tackled and I'm still a work in progress.  And that's OK.  A couple books have found their way into my life (I love books) and I was thinking of dedicating the first month in my 30's to these to start the Body, Spirit journeys on their way and to REALLY put effort forth there.

I continually look forward to learning more and more about who I am and who I am intended to be. 

I am ever so grateful (to the extent I am in teary eyed right now as I type) to those who have shown support in every way to me over the past year and currently.  At the risk of sounding like I am accepting an award I would like to say thank you to the Perry family, I have no words that would adequately express my thanks.  Tine, for reaching out with things I needed to hear right when I needed to hear them.  The peeps at the Diner who have lent their ears and been so supportive.  My family, seriously.  Where would we all be without one another right?

Anywho, it feels good to write again.  I have missed it.  I must return and do it more often. 

The Journey Continues....

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” Bob Moawad

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright....Duh

So much change is afoot and it has me wondering why it's so hard to deal with the unknown.  Why can't I just let the unknown unfold effortlessly?  It will come as it is meant to anyway, and I know this in my head but it is still my gut instinct to worry......I want to work on that.  I will work on that.

I need to just let it be, let it come moment by moment.

Turning A Corner, Shutting A Door, Opening A Window, The Fork In The Road

So much has happened since the last time I posted/wrote.  The life skills class I am taking is truly making a difference in how I deal with people, places and situations....for the better.  I only hope that the class is working it's magic still on how I view myself....that still needs a little work truth be told...man I am hard on myself.

I was actually admitted to the hospital very early Monday morning with appendicitis.  I am thankful for my bodies instincts and my good fortune that my brain decided to pay attention to them and go to the ER.  I did have an appendix doing it's best to rupture and while diagnosing that they found a 3 inch cyst that needed removal as well.  So as much pain as I am in now I am thankful that all the bad stuff is out of there.  Just need to heal now.  To heal and to pray on a daily basis to the health gods for mine and Hailey's health....apparently i haven't been doing that. I had my gal bladder removed when I was seventeen and this recovery feels very similar.  I take my core muscles for granted all too much and hereby vow that when I am physically able to start I will start the Whittle Your Middle Challenge posted by my colleague Kila.

So, doing my best to improve who I am on a daily basis, to be a better mother and just a better person.  Also doing what I can to speed this recovery process from the surgeries.  Cheers to being on the mend.

And.....I am in a relationship now.  It is good, nay, great.

So there is a big part of me that with all this positive momentum, I can truly shut the door on my past.  Shut the door and leave it there.  Not to be forgotten or regretted but not to be dwelt upon.

I like the way this new door, the one to these next chapters of my life, is looking....

Here we go....

LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN FOR THAT WHICH IS NEW

Is That Me In The Mirror

I think it's fair to say I have felt some "unrest" in the past, oh 4-5 years of my life.  I have gone through a lot. I am  not necessarily in a place where I can say I have "gotten over" all of the things that I have been through but I am a work in progress and am ever so grateful to be an active and engaged part of the process.

I have been learning A LOT lately about myself, what I've been through and really where to go from here.  and that in and of itself is so liberating.  It's so simple some of the things I am learning, but it puts a whole new perspective into focus.  Amazing.  And I think it is so true what people have told me, that as you gain more clarity on your past situation(s), and then more control over how you handle your current situation WITH your new understanding more and more healthy and pleasant situations come into the light.  And you are more well equipped to handle them in a "big girl" fashion.  Dare I say.....I think I am growing up. 

Things are good, and feel like they have never felt before in my life.....peaceful.  It's a different style....this peacefulness.  can't say I recognize myself in the mirror yet with it on but I'm liking the way it fits and I am in no way ready to take it off.   I keep looking in the mirror to make sure it is really me, make sure this is really possible in MY life......and all signs point to yes......I'm digging the new look, I'm rockin the peacefulness.