Making the outer me match the inner me or being the true Mia

This above all: to thine own self be true.

I spend a lot of time talking, planning, thinking about things I would like to do, what i would like to be.  I feel a pull towards certain things.  But I don;t get off my behind to get up to do or be.  WHY?  I feel this person inside, but I'm not living as her right now.  I am not being true to myself and who I KNOW I am.  Why are days off allowed to be consumed with bad TV and mundane errands.  Yes, life has to be lived and accordingly there are things that need to happen.  I must go to work, the kids must be attended to, cleaning and keeping the house in order must happen. But isn't it also a must to take care of me?  And to nourish my soul.  I talk about it a lot, I think about it incessantly.  Why aren't I doing it?  I feel like I'm living a false Mia life.  My insides (my soul and it's purpose) are not being lived or expressed outwardly, and more and more that just seems WRONG.

This may be a big, well, DUH moment to anyone who might be reading this but I needed to say it.  I need to live Mia.  I need to let Mia live.

I need to read, to write, to meditate, to go to yoga, to start learning more about photography, to attend a satsang.  I need to walk, to hike, to play, to breathe fresh air and have fun.  I need to sit in the sun.  I need to appreciate this moment.

I need to do.  I need to be.  I will do.  I will be.

Here's to you Mia. Learning to let yourself LIVE.

I Must Get Back

To writing.....
To Reading.....
To Walking....
To Being quiet......

Sometimes I need reminders....

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.”

OK, but how?

So I have increasingly been feeling deficient in the spirit department.  Feeling like I want to read all these books, spiritual texts, (when I wish I could ingest them in binge fashion or absorb all the information osmosis style).  I have struggled with how to start aligning myself with spirit and to practice it daily. To DAILY hold something in my heart that will radiate within me. I feel my heart has been so closed off due to regular life stresses and other life situations that are present at the moment.  I don 't know if I ever really have just surrendered myself to a power greater than myself, I know I want to, I'm just not sure how one does that, and daily just lives with the knowledge that you are not alone.  That you not only cannot "fix" everything or handle everything on your own (in house so to speak), but you don't have to. 

How do I open my heart.  I am here, at the door to my spiritual life and I cannot find the doorknob.  I feel slightly stupid at times, like it seems so easy for everyone else......why not me?  I want to live a mlife full of spirit, faith, hope, courage and love and I want to be able to pass that along to my daughter....I am just not sure I know how......

This is what I am sitting with today.  Felt the need to put it out there.  We will never get the answer if we never ask the question right?

A glance back and a look forward

A year ago this month I seperated from my Husband.  This has been one of the most trying years of my life.  Still so emotionally entrenched in the process of the divorce process and trying to get that all finalized.  Just when I thought I had reached the finish line with it all done semi ammicably.......the crazy starts.  The emotions and wounds open again.  I have every right to not allow that back into my life. 

The good news? 

With all that has been happening over the past year, the work and focus on myself, the lovely Life Skills class, wonderful support from some beautiful souls and the focus on Hailey Bug and her health, happiness and well being.  I see things so much more clearly now and know in my heart what is right. 

And you never know how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. 

And the gifts I've been given, I cannot wait to share them with Hailey.....she deserves so much.  And Mom can give her that now.  And she will.

Little Moments

Someone once told me that the road to becoming mindful or present looks a little like this....you will have very brief moments when you realize that you are fully present.  You are just in the moment allowing it and yourself and everything around to just be.  Then the moment is gone, like that in a flash you and your brain are back on the fast track.  But as you notice these moments happening, and appreciate them, you begin to stop yourself more and more.  To have more and more of those moments until there are more of them and less of the fast track.  Make sense?

I have diverted from the path to mindfulness.  Must return.  It is a sane path, and I need that at this time.  There has been so much out of balance lately, I feel that if I can return myself to the mindfulness path then answers will come.  Solutions will come.  Because right now, there is so much chaos in my head that it is clouding the spirit and I feel stuck.  Don't like that very much. 

Must return myself to the silent, slow, steady mindful path. 

Namaste

Body, Mind and Soul

Well hello Blog.  How are you?  I know, I am sorry I have neglected you so.  None the less I am here now and I have missed you as well.

Who has two thumbs and turns 30 in 12 days?  This girl!!!!!

What a sad, strange, amazing, enlightening year it has been.  I think 29 held more emotion, discomfort, pain, joy, elation, discomfort, discovery, insight...man I could go on for days.  I think the biggest lessons that came out of this year for me were:

• Change takes time, and patience and both of those things are my friend
• No matter what happens, I know that I can and will be OK
• No matter what is happening, I am right where I need to be, experiencing what I need to experience to learn and grow
• If you look hard enough and want to, you can see the beauty in anything
• I have the capacity to love like I never knew
• Loving myself and believeing in myself are immensly important
• We all need to be kinder to ourselves
• I am grateful

I guess I could really go on and on with these as well, but there is such comfort in really starting to grasp some of these and put them into practice in my everyday thoughts and life...

When I started this blog I really expected to be a "whole new woman" by the time the 30 birthday came around, but as I have learned....change is a process, a slow one.  My intention was to be at my healthy goal in Mind, Body, and Spirit.  Let's just say that the Mind was the first thing I tackled and I'm still a work in progress.  And that's OK.  A couple books have found their way into my life (I love books) and I was thinking of dedicating the first month in my 30's to these to start the Body, Spirit journeys on their way and to REALLY put effort forth there.

I continually look forward to learning more and more about who I am and who I am intended to be. 

I am ever so grateful (to the extent I am in teary eyed right now as I type) to those who have shown support in every way to me over the past year and currently.  At the risk of sounding like I am accepting an award I would like to say thank you to the Perry family, I have no words that would adequately express my thanks.  Tine, for reaching out with things I needed to hear right when I needed to hear them.  The peeps at the Diner who have lent their ears and been so supportive.  My family, seriously.  Where would we all be without one another right?

Anywho, it feels good to write again.  I have missed it.  I must return and do it more often. 

The Journey Continues....

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” Bob Moawad

Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright....Duh

So much change is afoot and it has me wondering why it's so hard to deal with the unknown.  Why can't I just let the unknown unfold effortlessly?  It will come as it is meant to anyway, and I know this in my head but it is still my gut instinct to worry......I want to work on that.  I will work on that.

I need to just let it be, let it come moment by moment.